Relationships - Start From Within

Let’s start out with a shout out to April W for the suggestion to focus on relationships this week.  It has been a fun topic to dive into.
Relationships cover both friendships and intimate relationships and for the sake of this article I will be touching on both. The question posed to me was how we can not only initiate relationships but also move beyond the mindsets that once defined what was expected.  There was a caveat for those who were once in highly controlling religions about no longer feeling like you need to report to anyone else about what happens in your relationships and feeling OK with being happy.
There are four different types of relationship.  There are family relationships through blood or adoption, friends, acquaintances and lovers or romantic relationships.  We are going to leave family for now and dive into the other three. 
Humans are social creatures.  We have a basic need for connection and belonging.  As children so many of us made friends with people who sat next to us or who lived near us.  If we were part of a religion, we found people to hang with at church or hall.  As adults or now that we are not linked through religion, it is not as easy make those bonds and any attempts seem to be awkward. 

1. It starts from within.
   • In many ways we are looking for someone to complete us.  A friend or lover to fill those holes in our soul and then we will feel complete and worthy.   It works the other way around.  Start from within and do the hard work of healing and completing yourself and then you will attract friends and lovers that compliment you.  I can feel the resistance to this already but bear with me.  On those days when you feel confident and the world is at your fingertips have you ever noticed how everyone just wants to be in your sphere?  If you have not experienced this yet, then look at those people that you admire because they seem so together. What are the qualities that you respect most about them?
2. Common Values
   •  Once you have started that healing and wholeness from within really look at what is important in your life.  When you can recognize this within yourself and identify your core values then it is so much easier to notice those in others.  I am an assistant trainer with a coaching college here in Canada and it is amazing to see how fast connection builds with people who share common values regardless of where they live in the world or what culture they originate from.  Common ground can make getting to know each other so much easier and feel safer.
   • Values are usually things that have been consistent with you over time.  They are one word like Respect, Freedom, Peace and provide you with an emotional reaction when they are violated or validated.
3. Common Interest
   • Interests can shift and change over time and when you have an interest, whether it is new or not, there is probably a group of others that share that interest.  

OK now we have an idea of starting within and a couple of ideas of how to connect over common things, so what do I do now? 

1. Reach out
   • Say hi and share what you noticed you have in common. 
   • If you like something that they have done, or something connected with them genuinely let them know.  Being genuine is the key – people will be more likely to forgive the socially awkward if you are genuine. 
   • Be genuinely curious and ask a question or two about what you noticed you have in common.  People like to talk about themselves especially if they feel safe to share.  Use questions that start with What or How instead of Do or Why because What or How will open the conversation.  Do prompts a yes or no answer. Why can feel like an interrogation or justification.
2. Manage expectations
   • Forging friendships or romantic relationships takes time.  Most friendships start out as acquaintances, which are people you see on a regular basis but have a limited connection to, maybe only saying hi in passing or having small light conversations from time to time. Although there are lots of stories of strong friendships right from the first minute, that is not what usually happens.  Many, including yourself, need time to trust and ensure that it is safe to open up and be more vulnerable.  Again, if you have done your own work and feel more whole, you will have the patience for things to unfold naturally
3. Speak and Listen
   • The strongest friendships and romantic relationships depend on open and clear communication.  Just like Brené Brown states “Daring greatly means the courage to be vulnerable, it means to show up and be seen, to ask for what you need, to talk about how you are feeling, to have the hard conversations”.  Relationships are not passive.  We can’t just expect the other person to know what we need or how we feel, even if we have known them for years and years.  You are equal in the responsibility to show up fully and express yourselves.  Not only do you need to speak, you also need to listen.  This is not the listening to respond but the listening to understand and understand from the other person’s perspective.  We need to seek clarification often and not assume.

Simple but not easy.  Relationships do take time and effort.  Different people approach the world in different ways. 
So how do we now move beyond our former mindset and feel OK about being happy?  Well once you have done that inner work and continue to grow and heal then the desperate need to be accepted by those who seek to control you disappears.  You have built your confidence and taken ownership of your self-worth.  There is no longer a need to share intimate information with people who have no business in your relationships, and you can feel more relaxed in the safety of your own self assurance and happiness.  
In my experience, many people who are looking for deeper friendships already have a large circle of friends.  Take a moment to consider who you enjoy talking to and consider what would help those friendships grow.
How does this information shift your perspective on relationships?